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Twenty predictions that will not come true in 2021

Twenty predictions that will not come true in 2021 | Iain Dale

2021

In a desperate attempt to get rid of his charisma bypass, Sir Keir Starmer changes his name to DJ K Starm. Jealous of the titles of his party leaders, Boris Johnson gives himself a knighthood, which the Honors Committee rejects. The Radio 4 controller decides to appeal to a younger audience by replacing Jane Garvey on Woman’s Hour with Ms. Mavis Arbuckle of Hebdon Bridge, aged 76 3/4. Netflix continues its hit series Virgin River with a new US drama called Slutty Waterfall. Partying on Times Radio, which hits its 999th listener. To expand the audience, Novara Media is recruiting Darren Grimes to replace Ash Sarkar. While Channel 4 wants to get more and more nervous, Ian Katz, Head of Content, is overriding Naked Attraction and replacing it with The World’s Biggest Erections. Rishi Sunak is trying to reduce the deficit by imposing a tax on the frequency with which callers use the words “so,” “basically,” “you know,” and “quite literally” in radio telephone ins. Radio London plans to cut costs on the BBC after registering a negative Rajar audience rating. JK Rowling tries to attract the trans community through … [do you really want to go there? -Ed] Donald Trump does not attend the inauguration in Biden after Melania hides his toupee. Priti Patel has to resign after picking up the three hundred thousand, thirty-four, nine hundred seventy-four thousandth person at Folkestone Beach. Iain Dale beats his record of 36 mince pies in one day to become Britain’s first type three diabetic. Liz Truss signs her 483rd free trade agreement, this time with the planet Zarg. Gavin Williamson is the first government minister to do a W turn. Rory Stewart is accused of hiding his light under a bushel after revealing that his upcoming autobiography will be called “The Best Prime Minister You Never Had”. The SNP wins the Wigan North West by election. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown shocks The Guardian readers when she writes “The British Empire wasn’t all bad”. Sadiq Khan wins re-election after it was announced that all polling stations would be closed over Covids fears. Marcus Rashford forces the government to flip free laptops for school children. He calls it an “irresponsible waste of taxpayers’ money”.

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