The secret service would take a bullet for Jared ‘N’ Ivanka, who is not allowed to go into her house

In a great act of public service journalism last Thursday by the Trump administration, the Washington Post brings us the story we didn’t know we needed to know about the intelligence details intended to protect Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump . The agents charged with protecting their lives are not allowed to use any of the 478 toilets in the Kushner-Trump-Manse in the posh Kalorama district of Washington DC:

The intelligence detail assigned to President Trump’s daughter and son-in-law was ordered for months not to use any of the half-dozen or so bathrooms in the couple’s home, according to neighbors and law enforcement officials. After resorting to a Porta potty and bathrooms in the nearby home of former President Barack Obama and the not-so-nearby residence of Vice President Pence, they finally found a toilet to call themselves.

Eventually, the agency was able to find a terlet that they could rent in a basement studio in a house directly across from Caca Casa de Kushner for $ 3,000 per month. That’s all you need to know about not knowing the home owned by someone in the Trump family. The space that the bathroom doesn’t take up also doubles as the command post and break room for the Secret Service detail, so this works pretty well for everyone, especially the agents who may have to do some things themselves. What a relief!

The Post notes that it is not all that unusual not to be allowed to poop in the house:

Agreements that allow some distance between intelligence agents and those who guard them are not uncommon, especially when the agency’s “means, methods, or resources” include indoor plumbing. The individuals who qualify for such protection often inhabit expensive, sprawling lots where a detail can use a garage, pool house, or other outbuilding as a command post, break room, and bathroom.

The problem is, the Kushner house didn’t have anything that would work for the particular mess of the Secret Service detail.

And as for the details of the secret service, the WaPo story is very exhausting to find out the full truth about the great toilet search. We learn that after the neighbors complained about the Porta potty on the sidewalk in front of Shits Chez Kushner, the agents used the loo at the command post in the Obamas’ garage. At first everything was just fine, but soon the arrangement went straight into shitter when

An intelligence chief from the Trump / Kushner detail left an uncomfortable mess in the Obama bathroom before Fall 2017, according to a person briefed on the event.

The overseer left behind such a large, dirty, positive agricultural cargo that the Kushner team was washed up not by the Obamas but by the Obama’s security leaders. Talk about your internal rivalry!

If you’ve never read Vices saga of the time someone shit so bad on a British Airways plane that it had to turn around and come back, you should probably indulge yourself, if that’s the right word. Did he work for the Secret Service?

After the Obama shitsplosion incident, agents guarding the Kushners were able to use a “bathroom in a standalone guard station” at the Naval Observatory where the Pences live, but that Doody station is a mile from the Kushners, the agents urged for time or urgency “relied on the hospitality of nearby restaurants.”

Damn it, Washington Post, you didn’t tell us if that one boss was banned from one of these places for another giant Mondo sucker.

Finally the Secret Service found the basement studio and everything went well; The $ 3,000 monthly isn’t particularly outrageous for the type of rental the agency does for other protection beneficiaries, either. Joe Biden charged the Secret Service $ 2,200 for a guest house that was used as a command center, and that wasn’t a bad deal in 2011, adjusted for inflation ($ 2,500). [Rebecca always thought it was unseemly that Old Handsome Joe charged for the Secret Service to protect him, and the past four years of Trumpist moneymaking off the Secret Service’s captive audience has not changed her mind.]

It’s also not surprising that the White House says this is all a lot of doodoo:

A White House spokesman denied that Trump and Kushner restricted agents from their 5,000-square-foot, six-bedroom, 6.5-bathroom home, claiming it was the intelligence agency’s decision not to allow the protective detail inside. This account is contested by a law enforcement officer familiar with the situation, who said the agents were kept out at the family’s request.

We may never know. It’s just one of those classic “She Said, ‘Pee Shed” “situations.

In any case, after Joe Biden is sworn in, the Kushners are going to shoot out of DC faster than a little two-feces after a big dinner at the White House so the Secret Service can get on with new clients as needed. We’re not indulging in the cost of a modest basement room for the agents’ benefit. After all, intelligence agents are the last person who just wants to go over the movements.


[WaPo / Terrible photoshop from Business Insider]

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